CHICAGO, Ill — Justice has finally come to fugitive former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who after more than two years on the run was apprehended by Navy SEAL Team Seven late Monday hiding in a concealed underground “rat hole” in Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood.
Blagojevich had evaded capture since 2009, when he refused to be taken into custody following his overthrow by the Illinois General Assembly. Sporadic sightings of him were seen from time to time, mostly on reality TV shows and ABC’s “The View,” but despite his media exposure he always managed to remain just a step ahead of authorities.
That is, until Monday night when a bleary-eyed hipster coming off a 12-hour absinthe binge saw a bushy haired, disheveled figure in a black jogging outfit crawl into a hole that had been dug next to the historic Logan Square monument.
“At first I thought the cat was a Sasquatch or somethin’ with all that buckwilin’ hair of his,” said local hipster Phil Billingsley, the eyewitness. “Then I noticed he had on these killer Allen Edmonds black oxfords and I said to myself, ‘no Sasquatch would be wearin’ ground grippers that gammin,’ so I promptly registered my skepticality to my 144 Tumblr followers.”
The Tumblr post was noticed by intelligence agencies, already suspicious the former governor could be hiding in the area, and the Navy SEALS were dispatched to the scene.
“Today, our long statewide nighthair is over,” a beaming Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn said in a triumphant Tuesday morning speech from the State Capitol. “I am pleased to announce that the man who single-handedly ruined Illinois for generations to come has finally been captured. A man who not only cast shame on his office by trying to sell President Obama’s former Senate seat, but who tripled our state debt, skimmed from teachers’ pensions, authorized suicide attacks against Wisconsin preschools, and gassed US Cellular Field after the Sox beat the Cubs in the 2006 Crosstown Classic. There’s one thing I can promise you today, and that is justice will be served to Rod Blagojevich.”
Officials say Blagojevich was caught after a brief struggle that saw him flail his gigantic hair brush at oncoming marines in a desperate bid to escape. In the “rat hole” with him the SEALs found various supplies, including 25 bottles of Herbal Essence’s “Body Envy” volumizing shampoo, several packets of Hostess Ding Dongs and a dartboard with a photo of Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan on it.