EXCLUSIVE – A Guest Column by Gov. Sarah Palin:

By The Wacky Deli on December 9, 2008

Can Illinois clean up corruption like Alaska? You betcha!

Ya know, us folks up here have been watchin’ what’s been goin’ on down in Illinois with this guy, Governor Blagoconvictch. And I have to say, the Land of Lincoln is reeeally lookin’ like it’s seen better days. Ya got the current head guy off to the slammer, and the previous head guy in the slammer too, boozin’ it up and watchin’ Matlock with his fellow white collar crooks.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Illinois can follow Alaska’s lead in reformin’ its state government. The key to our success in crackin’ down on corrupt politicians? We go maverick on their butts!

For example, when our senator Ted Stevens was convicted of doin’ shady things, we didn’t stand on the sidelines with our hands in our yak-haired ponchos! No siree Bob, we stepped up and threw the Book at him. And by “the Book,” I mean a big Gideon Bible – a sucker that musta weighed 20 pounds! It hit him right on the noggin’ and now he’s in a coma in Anchorage Memorial Hospital. That’ll teach him for breakin’ our laws!

No, us Alaskans don’t take too kindly to corruption by our political folks. After I became Governor, I passed a “Three Strikes and You’re Trout” law crackin’ down on anyone takin’ bribes or betrayin’ the public trust. It works like this:

- The first time ya do it, you’re locked in an auditorium to hear an eight hour speech by Mike Gravel talkin’ about why he thinks global warming is really caused by evergreen trees. He’s even got these cool charts he made with macaroni noodles and Crayola markers!

- The second time ya do it, you are sentenced to 10 years of livin’ in an igloo with a pack of yetis. Now some of you might be thinkin’ livin’ with yetis is cool, but you should know a few things: 1) Yetis never bathe. 2) They get feisty and bite whenever you don’t do the dishes. And 3) They really, really love listenin’ to Bjork.

- The third time ya break the law, and this is really cool, you’re thrown into a large tank of water full of Alaska trout with tiny Eskimo spears tied to their heads to poke you. From what I hear, the little suckers hurt ya like a dickens!

(My daughter Piper gets kudos for this trout idea. She even recreated it for the Wasilla Junior Science Olympiad using an aquarium, a Barbie doll, and some goldfish with little toothpicks stapled to their heads).

So to all of our brothers and sisters in Illinois, just know us Alaskans are rootin’ for you in this your hour of shame. And remember – when you’re choosin’ a new Governor – if you are lookin’ for someone who is mavericky, or who looks stunning in $10,000 moose dresses, or who would love to live across the river from Iowa in four years, ya know where to turn!

WINK!

EXCLUSIVE – A Guest Column by Gov. Sarah Palin:

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