CHICAGO, Ill. – In an abrupt about face, Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn today signed landmark legislation creating seven new pacinos across the Land of Lincoln.

In a ceremony at his James R. Thompson Center office in the heart of the Chicago Loop, the Governor was flanked by new Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s Cock, which stood alertly by Quinn’s side as he signed his signature to $enate Bill 666 – the Pacino Expansion Act.

“Today, Illinois stands on the brink of a brighter, more pacinotastic era,” said Gov. Quinn after the signing ceremony. “Thanks to the Pacino Expansion Act, Illinois will reap the benefits of more jobs, more revenues and more tough-guy mobster roles that an influx of pacinos will bring us.”

The Governor’s decision to sign the measure is a sharp turnaround from comments he earlier in the day slamming pacinos as “troubing influences” that would lead to greater swearing and mafia control of the state economy. When asked what made him change his mind so quickly, the Governor looked woefully down at his feet, his bottom lip trembling.

“I think I’ll let the Mayor speak to that,” Quinn said, his eyes tearing up slightly.

“I gave the motherf*cker  an offer he couldn’t refuse, that’s what happened,” Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s Cock said, taking out a cigar and lighting the match off the back of the Governor’s bald head.

Reporters also questioned the Governor on the prominent black eye he was sporting at the bill signing, which Quinn attributed to running into a “pesky door.”

“And it was a big motherf*cking door at that,” Mayor Rahm’s Cock said cockily.

The cock later clarified he did not actually personally see the “pesky door” in question but heard from others it was of a very sizable nature.

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL
Wacky Deli Statehouse Bureau Chief

CHICAGO, Ill. – Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn is saying “not so fast” to a major new pacino expansion approved by state lawmakers this week.

$enate Bill 666 authorizing the creation of seven new Illinois pacinos narrowly passed the General Assembly after Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s Cock twisted the arms of Cook County legislators to back the proposal, which includes a new pacino for downtown Chicago.

Speaking from his office in the Chicago Loop’s James R. Thompson Center, Gov. Quinn – a longtime gambling skeptic – warned he had major problems with the measure, and felt it went too far. Under the plan, the state would be authorized to sell licenses for pacinos in Rockford, Lake County, the southern suburbs, Danville and O’Hare and Midway airports, in addition to the Windy City.

“We really have to ask ourselves whether having seven more pacinos in Illinois is a good thing or a bad thing for the people of this state,” Quinn told reporters. “Sure, pacinos create some revenue that we could sorely use right now, but with them comes a host of challenges we will need to contend with, such as a more widespread use of the f-bomb and an increase in mob influence, not to mention cocaine-fueled gang shootouts with M16s topped with grenade launchers. I am very hesitant to expose the citizens of this state to those sorts of troubling influences.”

While the Governor hasn’t specifically threatened a veto of the pacino expansion, his attempt to dampen enthusiasm for the plan wasn’t appreciated by certain pacino enthusiasts, who note the measure would generate $500 million annually for the cash-strapped Land of Lincoln.

Mayor Rahm Emanuel's Cock - Not Satisfied with Quinn

“That motherf*cking moron actually said that sh*t?”an outraged Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s Cock responded as he toured a city-sponsored hipster health fair in the Wicker Park neighborhood. “Here we are facing the worst budget crisis since Bonnie was f*cking Clyde, and Governor Dipsh*t is ‘troubled’ over a plan that would bring in half a billion bucks every year? Unf*ckingbelievable! Someone tell that cock monkey to go back to supermarket ribbon cuttings, that’s the only f*cking thing he knows anything about.”

The cock then turned to his aides, screaming “What’s that motherf*cker’s cell phone number? Get me his f*cking cell phone number – we’re setting up a motherf*cking meeting!”

After calling the Governor’s number and being told he was unavailable by a voice on the other end of the line that sounded eerily like Gov. Quinn pretending to be an old lady, Mayor Rahm’s Cock threw the cell phone at an aide and abruptly ended his tour of the hipster fair.

“Fine, if Governor Dipshit wants to play motherf*cking hardball, we’ll play motherf*cking hardball,” the cock said, instructing his entourage to take him immediately to the Governor’s Loop Office.

In response to the cock’s eruption, Quinn Press Secretary Margaret Dumont said that while the Governor respects the Mayor’s opinion on the pacino issue, ultimately the final call is the Governor’s alone.

“The Governor has been very clear: This legislation contains way too much pacinoing, and that must be addressed,” Dumont said. “While we appreciate the Mayor of Chicago has a very strong position, the Governor has been crystal clear that we need to focus on other, non-pacino sources of state revenues to truly move our state forward. Nothing the Mayor can say will change the Governor’s mind on this.”