BY DEREMY UNDERHILL
Civilization Connoisseur

Last week, Civilization 5 – the latest version of Sid Meier’s video game franchise – hit store shelves. Like many of my “Civver” brethren, I had waited in line since 5 am on Sept. 20 in anticipation of its midnight release that evening. It was a little creepy – most of the other people standing outside my local Best Buy with me were weirdo super-fans dressed up like leaders from the game like Napoleon, Elizabeth I and Gandhi. Of course I didn’t do anything that crazy, besides put on a Marilyn Monroe wig and pretend to be George Washington.

For the most part, Civ 5 is getting solid reviews. Which makes sense, because any video game featuring big giant death robots has to score at least 9 out of 10. But there have been some criticisms, such the advanced graphics requirements, and the relative lack of gratuitous nudity (except for the Greeks’ unlockable “Great Bathhouse” wonder, but even then, the asses are pixelated).

Like most past versions of the game, Civ 5 will likely feature an expansion pack in the coming months to make it even bad-assier, including new military units, new world wonders and new civilizations. Accordingly, I have a few suggestions for Sid to consider for the update – five new civilizations that will make Civ 5 wackier than ever!

Best part of all – each of these zany civilizations would come with their own special units of mass destruction. So instead of threatening rivals that your words are “backed with nuclear weapons” as in past versions of the game, you can threaten them with diabolical armaments unique to their own peculiar culture.

]]> http://thewackydeli.com/wackyciv5/feed 0 http://thewackydeli.com/lost-finale-love-blogging http://thewackydeli.com/lost-finale-love-blogging#comments Mon, 24 May 2010 01:01:22 +0000 The Wacky Deli http://thewackydeli.com/?p=2527

10:44 pm – Well I guess it’s time to find a new favorite show. Enough deep thinking series centered around mysteries for a while. I might just go back and re-watch Alf.

10:26 pm – My best guess? The dog is God. After all, God is dog spelled backward.

10:24 pm – I’d LIKE to say I know what the fuck is going on…

10:14 pm – So basically Ben is now Hurley’s…Dick Cheney?

10:13 pm – Hopefully no one will shoot Locke as he walks into the church thinking he’s still the Smoke Monster.

10:04 pm – Best thing about the finale so far? No Nikki and Paulo.

10:03 pm – I would like to now take a moment to remember all those Lost characters who died during the series. Which is just about all of them, when you factor in the various multiple universes.

10:00 pm – Sakes, Claire could really stand to use some conditioner.

9:55 pm – Apparently being “protector of the island” has no weight requirements or even minimal physical standards.

9:54 pm – Hurley can’t protect the island, he’s too fat! I mean seriously. Too fat.

9:46 pm – Juliet you shouldn’t be doing THAT – you’re a married lady! Even if it IS an alternate Lostiverse.

9:38 pm – Jack. Ben. Hurley.That’s 900 pounds of trouble right there.

9:33 pm- Oh come on, Jack. Man it up – it’s just a flesh wound.

9:31 pm – Yep. There is.

9:29 pm – I’m guessing based upon the umpteen Disney Visa commercials that there’s a new Toy Story movie on the way.

9:22 pm – Jack/Locke smackdown! Pretty sure Locke tried to use the Vulcan Neck Pinch.

9:13 pm – I can’t tell who wears more eyeliner – Charlie in band garb or Richard Alpert.

9:10 pm – Call me crazy, but I bet Eloise Hawking  was probably hot, like, 80 years ago.

9:03 pm – Well, thus far it looks like my theory that that Endora from Bewitched is behind everything isn’t exactly panning out. .

9:01 pm – Dr. Marvin Candle is a hell of an emcee! I’ll be sure to look him up when my son gets bar mitzvahed.

9:00 pm – Charlie: “I was shot by a fat man.” If I had a dime for every time I’ve said THAT.

8:54 pm – Random thought…Juliet’s scenes would be better if there was some Lost/V crossover appeal…like if she suddenly started shaking her son demanding he stay away from the Visitors.

8:51 pm – FINALLY! They’re going into the light! I’m sure all of our questions will be answered in a simple, straight-forward way!

8:43 pm – Is it just me or does it look like the cast is all decked out in L. L. Bean?

8:33 pm – Lapidus lives! I’m sure he’ll be awash with sarcastic observations throughout the rest of the show.

8:23 pm – Three words – TOO MANY FLASHBACKS!

8:21 pm – Uh oh -  Ben’s apparently up to something! Again.

8:14 pm – Ben Linus getting punched in the face tally- 1

8:11 pm – I bet the hangover after getting shot with a tranquilizer gun is a KILLER.

8:08 pm – Only eight minutes into it and there have already been three Star Wars references. I like the way this is going…

8:06 pm – Memo to Hurley – maroon is not a slimming color.

8:03 pm – Hopefully Oceanic will at least give Jack a complimentary bag of peanuts next time he flies after losing his dad’s body for that long.

7:59 pm – Oops I meant to say “live” blogging not “love” blogging…but hell, I’m already kinda drunk and don’t feel taking the 5 seconds it would take to change it.

7:58 pm – Hey, Deremy Underhill here. Let the Losting begin!

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL
Senior Lost Affairs Correspondent

FRESNO – Call it a case of science friction: The world’s self-professed “biggest Lost fan ever” is irked he’ll be missing the show’s much-anticipated final episode to be at the anniversary party of his girlfriend’s parents.

Despite numerous attempts at getting his partner of six months Jennifer Welles to relent through pleading, bribery and massive wooing, super fan Alex Benedict says she’s been totally unmoved.

“And I pulled out all the stops too – chocolate covered strawberries, champagne, Meg Ryan movies, foot rubs – even foreplay – but Jennifer is having none of it,” Alex said. “In fact she said if I didn’t go, it would be a ‘deal breaker’ and the end of the relationship. Needless to say, I was madder than Locke when that asshole tour guide refused to let him go on the Australian walkabout. Gosh, that still pisses me off!”

A Shrine to Dr. Marvin Candle? Now THAT'S a Lost fan

Alex, a 29-year old Borders bookstore clerk who has been devoted to the show since the pilot aired in 2004 and is president of five online Hurley fan clubs, said up until the latest argument Jennifer was indulgent of his ultra-dedication to the show.

“Sure, she was a little creeped out by my giant replica of the Others’ village I made out of Play-Doh, and my shrine to Dr. Pierre ‘Marvin Candle’ Chang, who I strongly feel wasn’t developed nearly enough as a character,” Alex said. “But she understood that Lost is a major priority in my life. Now, all of a sudden, she’s on this anti-Lost crusade, and being more controlling than Boone was when Shannon started dating Sayid. I’m feeling totally stifled.”

To add insult to injury, Alex had already tweeted to his 89 Twitter followers that he would be live-blogging the final show.

“It became huge news, like three of my followers immediately retweeted the news. Now everyone will be disappointed,” Alex said dejectedly.

Tensions between the pair began to rise in recent weeks as the show headed toward its Sunday, May 30 finale.

“It’s been getting totally ridiculous and annoying,” Jennifer said. “Every thing that comes out of his mouth is Lost-related – what he thinks the smoke monster is, whether Kate will end up with Sawyer, why the Others have such a poor fashion sense. I mean Lost is OK, but it’s not EVERYTHING, you know. He really needs to get a life.”

The tipping point was an offhand comment Jennifer made to Alex last week, after he went off on a 15 minute tangent on why the cast of Lost could “totally kick the ass” of the cast of Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains.

“I joked that I was starting to think he loved Lost more than me, and instead of laughing he just sat there quietly,” Jennifer said. “So I asked him whether he DID love Lost more than me. He continued sitting there not saying anything for a few more seconds before saying ‘no’ in the most sheepish voice you’ve ever heard. That’s when I’d had enough, and forced him to choose between the Lost finale and me.”

Despite being outflanked, Alex – who owns four pairs of jazzy Dharma Initiative jumpsuits he alternately wears when watching the show -  isn’t taking the situation lying down. Since the ultimatum, he’s started concocting elaborate, Wile E. Coyote-esque plots aimed at getting out of the anniversary dinner.

“I’m re-watching all of the Ben-centered Lost episodes to try to incorporate some of his diabolical schemes. Except, you know, the ones involving killing people,” Alex said. “I also started a thread on the Chit-Chat forum of The Fuselage to see if any of my cyber-friends had any ideas.”

After posting his plight, numerous suggestions popped up on the thread. One, from SawyersDaddy6, suggested baking Jennifer a giant cookie cake in the shape of the Dharma logo. Another, from LockesHot1962, urged Alex to lick the doorknobs and elevator buttons at work to catch the flu so Jennifer wouldn’t bother him for staying home finale night.

“Those were the two best suggestions so far,” Alex said. “I reluctantly discarded some people’s crazier suggestions they got from the show, like locking Jennifer’s parents in a jungle cage until the finale was over, and shooting the dinner guests with tranquilizer darts. ”

As to why “the world’s biggest Lost fan” simply doesn’t pick watching the finale over his girlfriend, Alex is circumspect.

“Dude, Jennifer’s got it all – Juliet’s brains, Claire’s sweetness, Hurley’s body…everything I want in a woman,” he said. “So sue me, I like ‘em big.”

Wacky Deli Writer KEVIN EVIN contributed to this story.

Click HERE to see the full list of spoilers from Lost’s final episode.

Last night, The Wacky Deli obtained a TOP SECRET copy of the script for the much-anticipated Lost finale, accidentally left behind at a local dive bar by one of the show’s hapless drunk assistant key grips.

As strong believers in the Freedom of Speech, Old Glory, apple pie and  freedom fritters, we at The Wack view it as our constitutional duty to disclose what we discovered. Plus, we could really, really use the ratings and web traffic we’ll generate as a result to gain new corporate sponsorship.

So without further ado, here are the Top 10  Shockers in the Lost Finale!

10. The smoke monster is really the ghost of Pig Pen.

9. The island’s polar bears are all escapees from the Neverland Ranch zoo.

8. They ain’t time travelin,’ just trippin’ on some shrooms.

7. Endearing Betty White cameo as a bawdy, wise-cracking 108 year-old Amelia Earhart

6. John Edwards revealed to be the  real father of Claire’s baby.

5. The Others are all actually Titanic survivors who somehow rowed 10,000 miles to the Pacific in a lifeboat in order to harness the island’s powers to go back in time and save Abraham Lincoln. Or something.

4. The numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23 & 42) are just Obama’s last six bowling scores.

3. Mrs. Howell kills Mr. Howell in a bloody murder-suicide after discovering Mary Ann was his secret love child (oh sorry – that was in the GILLIGAN’S ISLAND finale).

2. Hurley turns out to be Keyser Söze on an eating binge.

1. It was all Bob Newhart’s dream.