Rumor has it Mitt Romney might select his Vice-Presidential running mate as early as this weekend – but who will it be? Below are the four leading candidates, according to Vegas oddsmakers – (clockwise from upper left) - Congressman Paul Ryan, Lego Newt Gingrich, actor Abe Vigoda and Mudley the dog who thinks he’s Zooey Deschanal.

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL

WASHINGTON – In another sign of China’s growing technological prowess, a leading scientific think-tank today warned the Asian power has surpassed the United States in the race to clone comedian Chevy Chase.

Boston’s Van Houten Institute of Biophysics warns that if trends continue, China could clone the funnyman and win the “Chase Race” by 2015 – five years before American scientists will likely have the capability to do so.

“As with space exploration and high-speed rail, in recent years America’s expertise in the field of deadpan comedian cloning has fallen behind,” warned Dr. Claus Von Bulow, the institute’s lead researcher. “Unless the federal government makes duplicating Chevy Chase an immediate priority and devotes massive financial resources to that effort, Chinese audiences will likely see his clone doing his trademark pratfalls and delivering acerbic wisecracks well before American audiences will get an opportunity to.”

The Chase Race between the two nations began in 2007, when then-President George W. Bush called on America to “summonize the whatwithal within ourselves” to clone the former SNL star by the year 2020. China, where the comedian is widely popular and pirated sales of Christmas Vacation make up 40 percent of the nation’s GDP, quickly followed suit, devoting hundreds of its top scientists to the project.

The report of China’s lead in the Chase Race sent ripples throughout the 2012 presidential campaign. Republican candidates were quick to pounce on the news, saying it was yet another example of what they call a “failed Obama presidency.”

“President Obama has been so focused on helping poor people these last few years, he’s totally neglected the far more crucial issue of Chevy Chase cloning development,” said Mitt Romney at a campaign stop in Richman Estates, Ohio. “This has been catastrophic for our economy and you can be sure as soon as I take office, I’m gonna make cloning Mr. Chase my top priority, right after we repeal RomneyCare.”

“Sorry – meant to say ObamaCare,” Romney quickly said, correcting himself.

At a meet-and-greet at the Bible Belt Buckle Emporium in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, Rick Santorum echoed similar criticism.”

“Allowing China to get Chevy Chase cloning capability first puts America’s future at great strategic risk,” Santorum warned. “Sure, maybe they’ll start off by making one Chevy clone. But then they’ll make another. And another. And another, until they have an army of Chevy Chase clones who will convert our young ones into homosexual atheist snobs with Marxist college educations.”

Newt Gingrich also weighed in on America’s faltering performance in the Chase Race during a town hall forum at a Marietta, Georgia Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“We were the first country to master the atom. We were the first country to develop reality television. And in those traditions, under a Gingrich administration, we will also be the first country to have a colony on the moon populated with a slave labor force of Chevy Chase clones who’ll be instantly transported to the lunar surface via Star Trek-like teleporters,” Gingrich said.

For its part, the White House dismissed the Van Houten Institute’s report and accompanying Republican criticism, saying they had no basis in reality.

“Our record on this issue is very clear – President Obama has directed more than $30 billion in stimulus funding to campaign donors whose biotech companies have been at the forefront of Chevy Chase cloning research,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The President is committed to ensuring we will be the first country to clone Mr. Chase, just as he’s committed to getting his golf handicap down to 25 and keeping Joe Biden away from important policy decisions.”

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama is coming under fierce Republican criticism for his recent decision to release 30 million gallons of faux-juice from the nation’s Strategic Kool-Aid Reserve.

While the White House claims the move would help working families hit hard by a sharp uptick in Kool-Aid prices – which reached a record high 57 cents a gallon in May – GOP critics are questioning whether it has more to do with partisan politics than punch prices.

“For two and a half years, President Obama has been asleep at the switch as flavored drink costs rose higher and higher,” said former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney at a campaign stop in Cornish, New Hampshire on Wednesday. “Now that his poll numbers are in the tank, he’s suddenly jumping into action. I’d like to know where he was two months ago, when Kool-Aid prices first spiked to nearly 60 cents a gallon? This half-measure is too little, too late.”

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty echoed Romney’s assessment, saying the release of Kool-Aid from the Reserve would result in only a small reduction of prices.

“At most, this will save families a couple cents on the dollar,” Pawlenty said. “If the President wants to get serious about tackling high Kool-Aid prices, he needs to do more to increase its domestic production. That means building more Kool-Aid refineries, tax breaks for Kool-Aid manufacturers and opening the Gulf Coast up to greater Kool-Aid exploration.”

The Strategic Kool-Aid Reserve was initiated in 1969, following an attempt by super-villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld to attack Kool-Aid Headquarters with an army of  dwarves armed with laser guns – for reasons that are still unknown but undoubtedly diabolical. Since then, the United States has maintained a hidden stockpile of Kool-Aid in case the world supply should ever again be threatened by a super-villain, terrorists, El Niño or other worldwide menace.

According to experts, all of Kool-Aid’s 60 flavors are currently being stored at the Reserve, including Cherry, Grape, Orange, Raspberry, Strawberry, Black Cherry, Tropical Punch, Pink Lemonade, Rhubarb, Watermelon, Double Double Cherry, Triple Awesome Grape, Watermelon, Apple, Bunch Berry, Blastin’ Berry Cherry, Blue Berry Blast, Cherry Cracker, Chocolate, Cola, Eerie Orange, Frutas, Golden Nectar, Grape, Grape Blackberry, Grape Tang, Melon Mango, Strawberry Splash, Great Blueberry, Great Blue-dini, Groselha, Guaraná, Incrediberry, Kickin-Kiwi-Lime, Kolita, Lime, Man-o-Mangoberry, Mango, Mountainberry Punch, Oh-Yeah Orange-Pineapple, Orange Enerjooz, Pina-Pineapple, Pink Swimmingo, Purplesaurus Rex, Rainbow Punch, Roarin’ Raspberry Cranberry, Rock-a-Dile Red, Root Beer, Scary Black Cherry, Scary Blackberry, Sharkleberry Fin, Slammin’ Strawberry-Kiwi, Soarin’ Strawberry-Lemonade, Strawberry Falls Punch, Strawberry Split, Strawberry-Raspberry, Sunshine Punch, Surfin’ Berry Punch, Tangerine and Snozberry.

Government sources say only flavor not being stockpiled in the Kool-Aid Reserve is lemon, because the President reportedly thinks it tastes “very, very gross.”

In response to the GOP criticism, the White House pushed back hard on Wednesday, accusing critics of engaging in “reckless campaign demagoguery” that “put the interests of the privileged ahead of the poor.”

“I find it amazing the Republicans are jumping to slash billionaires’ jet taxes, but could care less about helping struggling families afford delicious Kool-Aid for their malnourished young ones,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “President Obama strongly believes government has an obligation to help working class parents afford sugary, weight-inducing drinks for their children, and he will continue to fight for that in the future.”

Despite the White House counter-attack, Republicans stepped up their Kool-Aid criticisms on Thursday. Barnstorming through Bloom County, Iowa,  US Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) hammered the President for “wasting the people’s time” on a “PR driven non-issue” rather than addressing more important priorities.

“Right now, we don’t need the President focused on high Kool-Aid prices – we need the president focused on banning abortions,  stopping the gays and other values-based policies that will help forestall the coming Rapture,” Bachmann said.

“So Kool-Aid prices are going up – so what?” a cranky former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said during a campaign stop in Derry, Maine. “I mean kids are fat enough as it is these days. Why would we want to make it easier for the federal government to bankroll their lives of gluttonous sloth?”

While the President’s Republican opponents are scathing in their assessment of his Kool-Aid policies, at least one leading expert on the subject is lending his support. When asked if the move was a good idea, Kool-Aid spokesman The Kool-Aid Man shouted “Oh yeah!” before abruptly crashing through the wall of his office and giddily accosting bystanders on the sidewalk outside.

by DEREMY UNDERHILL

MANCHESTER, NH — In what critics charge is a cynical ploy to “out Reagan” his opponents for the 2012 Republican nomination, front-runner Mitt Romney has announced that he is possessed by the ghost of the 40th president.

The former Massachusetts Governor made the startling claim at Monday night’s debate between the Republican candidates for president in Manchester, New Hampshire. When asked by CNN moderator John King to respond to conservative critics who charge that he isn’t “Reaganesque” enough to be the GOP nominee, Romney struck back with a spectral shocker:

“It’s funny they should say that, because Ronald Reagan is more than a man I admire and respect; he’s also approximately 52 percent of my soul,” Romney said. “I haven’t told many people this, but for the past seven years, I have been possessed by the spirit of Ronald Reagan – a spirit which guides my life in every decision I make, great and small. Should the voters elect me to be their President in 2012, they can be confident in our nation’s future. Because it won’t actually be me making the decisions, it’ll be the Ghost of the Gipper calling all the shots.”

Romney went on to say he became possessed by the presidential phantom shortly after Reagan’s death in June of 2004.

“I don’t know how it happened, but I can assure you it totally did,” Romney said. “I just remember waking up one morning and feeling extremely ‘Reagany.’ For instance, I felt an overwhelming desire to go out and cut taxes on the middle class, punch a bunch of commies in the mouth and make America great again. Since that day, those emotions have only grown within me and I’ve slowly accepted that I am the current mortal shell for the greatest president who has ever lived.  I am at peace with that, as should all of the Reagan-loving voters of this country be.”

In comments that caused gasps and a loud “oh no he dint!” from the audience, Romney then proceeded to profess his love for Reagan’s widow Nancy in explicit detail.

“In the master bedroom of my $12 million beachfront compound in La Jolla, California I have constructed a massive shrine to Nancy Reagan. It contains more than 20,000 photos,  dozens of candles and six crayon drawings I’ve made of her,” Romney said. “Which, I realize, seems really really weird, but it makes perfect sense for someone who’s possessed by President Reagan. After all, she was the love of his life.”

He then looked into the camera dreamily and said, “Nancy, I really think you have a smokin’ bod for a gal your age” before blowing her a kiss.

While initially stunned by Romney’s revelations, his Republican rivals quickly accused the candidate of fabricating the possession as a way to garner support from Reagan’s many fans within the Republican Party.

“Folks, if this man is Ronald Reagan, then I’m the world’s most faithful and devoted husband,” zinged former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-GA), generating laughs and one of the loudest applause lines of the night.

“No offense, Mitt but I think your Mormon underwear is cutting off the circulation to your brain,” joked Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX).

Former Godfathers’ CEO Herman Cain took a more direct rebuke of Romney’s faith.

“As any good Baptist can tell you, Mormons are prone to lies and treachery,” Cain said. “So we shouldn’t be surprised that Mr. Romney is continuing to spew venomous falsehoods, just as the false prophet Joseph Smith did more than a century ago.”

Of all the candidates on stage, only Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) seemed to believe Romney’s ghostly claim, accusing him of being possessed by a demon pretending to be Reagan.

“The Bible says witchcraft is of the Devil. Fortunately tonight I remembered to bring the emergency holy water I keep in a spray bottle to combat such threats,” she said as she reached into her purse, took out a canister affixed with a bejeweled crucifix and sprayed it onto Romney’s face.

“Begone demon! Back to the beast that sent you!” she hissed, splashing Romney repeatedly with the sacred liquid.

“Well Michele…there you go again,” Romney replied with a good-natured chuckle as he wiped the water off his face, causing the audience to erupt in laughter as CNN security quickly subdued Rep. Bachmann and dragged her kicking and screaming off the stage.

In his closing remarks, Romney announced he would be legally changing his name to “Ronald Romney” to better reflect the dual nature of his personal psyche. He then concluded by taking out a big jar of jelly beans from behind the podium and downing a couple of handfuls.

“These taste delicious, nom nom,” Romney said as he chewed the jelly beans, Reagan’s infamous favorite candy. “Good night nom nom, God bless you nom nom, and God bless the United States of America nom nom.”

While nobody knows exactly how Romney’s alleged possession will affect the campaign, pundits are certain about one thing – the “Reaganing” Romney won the debate handily.

“He had charm, he had confidence, and that jelly bean thing at the end was pure gold,”  said senior Democratic strategist James Carville.

“I think most Republican voters, after watching Ronald Romney’s strong performance tonight, will be inspired to go punch out a few commie mouths of their own,”  agreed longtime Republican strategist Ed Rollins. “I know I certainly am.