BY DEREMY UNDERHILL

WASHINGTON – In another sign of China’s growing technological prowess, a leading scientific think-tank today warned the Asian power has surpassed the United States in the race to clone comedian Chevy Chase.

Boston’s Van Houten Institute of Biophysics warns that if trends continue, China could clone the funnyman and win the “Chase Race” by 2015 – five years before American scientists will likely have the capability to do so.

“As with space exploration and high-speed rail, in recent years America’s expertise in the field of deadpan comedian cloning has fallen behind,” warned Dr. Claus Von Bulow, the institute’s lead researcher. “Unless the federal government makes duplicating Chevy Chase an immediate priority and devotes massive financial resources to that effort, Chinese audiences will likely see his clone doing his trademark pratfalls and delivering acerbic wisecracks well before American audiences will get an opportunity to.”

The Chase Race between the two nations began in 2007, when then-President George W. Bush called on America to “summonize the whatwithal within ourselves” to clone the former SNL star by the year 2020. China, where the comedian is widely popular and pirated sales of Christmas Vacation make up 40 percent of the nation’s GDP, quickly followed suit, devoting hundreds of its top scientists to the project.

The report of China’s lead in the Chase Race sent ripples throughout the 2012 presidential campaign. Republican candidates were quick to pounce on the news, saying it was yet another example of what they call a “failed Obama presidency.”

“President Obama has been so focused on helping poor people these last few years, he’s totally neglected the far more crucial issue of Chevy Chase cloning development,” said Mitt Romney at a campaign stop in Richman Estates, Ohio. “This has been catastrophic for our economy and you can be sure as soon as I take office, I’m gonna make cloning Mr. Chase my top priority, right after we repeal RomneyCare.”

“Sorry – meant to say ObamaCare,” Romney quickly said, correcting himself.

At a meet-and-greet at the Bible Belt Buckle Emporium in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, Rick Santorum echoed similar criticism.”

“Allowing China to get Chevy Chase cloning capability first puts America’s future at great strategic risk,” Santorum warned. “Sure, maybe they’ll start off by making one Chevy clone. But then they’ll make another. And another. And another, until they have an army of Chevy Chase clones who will convert our young ones into homosexual atheist snobs with Marxist college educations.”

Newt Gingrich also weighed in on America’s faltering performance in the Chase Race during a town hall forum at a Marietta, Georgia Chuck E. Cheese’s.

“We were the first country to master the atom. We were the first country to develop reality television. And in those traditions, under a Gingrich administration, we will also be the first country to have a colony on the moon populated with a slave labor force of Chevy Chase clones who’ll be instantly transported to the lunar surface via Star Trek-like teleporters,” Gingrich said.

For its part, the White House dismissed the Van Houten Institute’s report and accompanying Republican criticism, saying they had no basis in reality.

“Our record on this issue is very clear – President Obama has directed more than $30 billion in stimulus funding to campaign donors whose biotech companies have been at the forefront of Chevy Chase cloning research,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The President is committed to ensuring we will be the first country to clone Mr. Chase, just as he’s committed to getting his golf handicap down to 25 and keeping Joe Biden away from important policy decisions.”

Despite Newt Gingrich’s claim he worked closely with Ronald Reagan, the candidate took heat this week after opponents found a passage in the former president’s diary slamming his defense proposals. After perusing the diary further, we found 10 more instances in which Reagan was less than complimentary – and here they are!

10. “Something about the fellow makes me want to pound him again and again with a shovel.”

9. “During the meeting, Newt didn’t actually chew the jelly beans in my candy jar, he inhaled them like a vacuum cleaner.”

8. “I really don’t see what the lovely Mrs. Gingrich sees in him.  She’ll probably ditch him one of these days.”

7. “Thatcher was annoyed he kept grabbing her buttocks during the Congressional reception.”

6.  “How embarrassing – I talked to him for 20 minutes before finally realizing he wasn’t Phil Donahue.”

5.  “It really grinds my gears me when Gingrich tells me my policies aren’t Reagan-esque enough.”

4. “Could he be a vampire? For one thing I’ve never seen him during the day and he doesn’t cast reflections in mirrors…”

3. “I fear Gingrich’s views on ethanol subsidies would cause the Universe to collapse on itself and destroy all human life as we know it.”

2. “He thinks we should return to the moon. I’m all for it, as long as he’s on the first rocket ship.”

1. Should I be worried he bought Nancy a $50,000 ring from Tiffany’s?

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL
Senior Washington Correspondent

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich announced today he’s divorcing his third wife Callista after she contracted Lyme disease over the weekend. The move comes as a shock to many close the Gingriches, who by all appearances had a happy 11 year marriage.

The latest Mrs. Gingrich received the news via phone call as she lay stricken in a hospital bed after being bitten by a tick during a whirlwind campaign tour of South Carolina backcountry in the run-up to the state’s Saturday primary.

Those of knowledge of the conversation describe it as follows:

Newt Gingrich: Hi Honey, it’s Daddycakes. How’re you feeling?

Callista Gingrich: Just terrible, dear. My muscles ache and I have a 100 degree fever, and I’m sore everywhere. The doctors say it’s going to be tough to –

Newt Gingrich: I want a divorce.

CLICK.

The news broke Thursday evening on the Drudge Report, which blared the story with an accompanying siren, sending the former US House Speaker’s campaign scrambling to contain the damage. This morning, Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond released the following statement:

“This story is nothing new. Speaker Gingrich has a long and consistent track record of divorcing women who have come down with debilitating diseases. His thoughts and prayers are with Callista as she battles this serious illness, even though he personally will not be.”

In a sign Gingrich has already moved on with his life, Friday morning he was spotted next to a shapely blonde woman, both of whom were wearing apparent engagement rings. Campaign sources say the soon-to-be fourth Mrs. Gingrich is Cecilia Vos Savant, a 36 year-old senior account executive at Tiffany’s jewelry.

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife is mad as hell and dishin’ the dirt! Here are the Top 10 shockers from her tell-all interview with ABC.

10. He put her divorce papers inside a get-well card as she was being treated for multiple sclerosis.

9. His childhood hero was Sauron.

8. Always politely said “excuse me, cupcake” before taking calls from his mistresses at the dinner table

7. Drinks seven times his body weight in gravy every day

6. Uses MWAHAHAH instead of LOL when laughing in emails

5. Likes to unwind after a long day by listening to Mussolini speeches

4. Insisted he meant Calista Flockhart whenever he shouted out “Calista!” during sex

3. Once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die

2. Uses hookers as pawns on his mansion’s human chess board

1. He only read books with happy endings.