10. You left the newspaper boy $10 in Monopoly money for his holiday tip.

9. You texted pictures of your genitals to your football team’s hot sideline reporter.

8. Frankly, your rendition of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” lacks “umph.”

7. Given Santa’s 11 month-long Goldschlagger bender, you’re lucky to get anything at all.

6. He sees you when you’re sleeping and the excessive drooling grosses him out.

5. He knows why the awful smell of decay is eminating from your crawl space.

4. You bitch-slapped a rehab worker during your recent stint at Betty Ford.

3. Those pot sugar cookies you left on the hearth for Santa last Christmas gave him creepy déjà vu, duude.

2. He’s been an angry son-of-a-bitch ever since that Kitty Kelley tell-all book about his life came out.

1. He mixed up your gift with John Edwards’.

December 5 – Krampus Day in many northern European villages – celebrates St. Nicholas’ devilish helper, who is said to (among other things) throw victims into bags and toss them into rivers, force himself on young virgin women and flog children. Such behavior has led annoyed villagers to give him the nickname “The Chris Brown of Devils.”