Deploying flamboyant robots to the Mexican border is the best way to stop illegal entry into the US, Bachmann claims

DES MOINES – Saying America has a solemn duty to secure its southern frontier, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann today proposed sending an army of Robotic Richard Simmonses to the Mexican border to put a halt to illegal immigration once and for all.

The plan is widely seen as an attempt to “out-conservative” her 2012 Republican primary rivals, especially former Godfather Pizza CEO Herman Cain who last week called for a “Great Wall of China” and alligator-filled moat on the Mexican border to end illegal entry into the United States.

“My fellow Americans, with my Robotic Richard Simmons Border Preservation Initiative in place, we can stop the flow of Mexicans into our country and send them jazzercising right back across the Rio Grande,” Bachmann told supporters at a rally in North Liberty, Iowa.

Knocking Cain, who has emerged as her main rival for the support of Tea Partiers, she continued: “Those who say a Great Wall and alligator-infested moat are enough to keep the illegals out simply aren’t living in reality. Studies have shown moats with man-eating creatures in them are ineffective at curbing illegal migration. I say the only way we can truly protect our border 100 percent is by guarding it with an army of flamboyantly effervescent robots.”

The Robotic Richard Simmons line of security droids first came online in April 1994, and were primarily used to patrol the mansions of America’s richest billionaires. Clad in skimpy exercise attire, they were programmed to engage in obnoxiously perky dance moves whenever they detected intruders, which served to creep out the burglars and send them fleeing in terror.

The Robo-Simmons units didn’t last long, however, and were recalled two months later after many of their robotic asses exploded during service, injuring more than 20 misers and dowagers in the process. They have been kept in storage units underneath the Liberace Museum ever since.

The unstable nature of the Robo-Simmons’ buttocks have led Bachmann’s critics to charge plan would be dangerous – even deadly – to migrants who’d be exposed to the bomb-like butts. Bachmann strongly denies this, saying new technologies perfected by her husband’s religious counseling center have rendered the robotic rumps perfectly safe.

“Researchers determined the Richard Simmons robots experienced their anal flame-ups due to an abnormally high level of gay in their circuitry,” Bachmann explained. “Thanks to a new de-gaying chip perfected by the Bachmann Clinc, we can both prevent their buns from burning and save their robotic souls from an afterlife of eternal damnation that robo-homosexuality brings.”

Rivals weigh in

Immediately after Rep. Bachmann unveiled her controversial border initiative, several of her Republican opponents issued statements commenting on the proposal and outlining competing border control plans. A synopsis of their comments are below:

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney – “Flamboyant robots aren’t the answer to our illegal immigration problem. There’s only one true way we can protect our southern border, and that’s with cyborgs armed with rockets that are programmed to shoot on sight.”

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty – “I advocated the rocket-armed cyborgs plan long before Gov. Romney who, by the way, has since flip-flopped on this issue.”

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich – “I would line the Mexican border with Death Eaters, Ringwraiths and landmines containing mini hydrogen bombs.

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson – “I’d totally legalize weed, dudes.”

Former Sen. Rick Santorum – “I can assure the American people that Robotic Richard Simmonses will never have the right to marry in a Santorum Administration.”

Herman Cain – “About that alligator-filled moat idea I had – I’d like to stress any alligators we hire for the man-eating patrols should be strictly non-union.”

Texas Rep. Ron Paul – “We have a patriotic duty to follow the lead of our Founding Fathers on this issue, and hand each and every illegal alien a smallpox-infected blanket as they enter our great land of opportunity.”

Last week, Time magazine put out a special edition commemorating the death of Osama bin Laden, with an “X-d out” portrait of the late Al-Qaida leader/longtime homebody on the cover.

This is only the latest X-d out baddie to appear on the cover after their death. Below are a few other instances when Time commemorated the demise of some of history’s greatest villains.

The death of Adolf Hitler (1945)

The death of Jaws (1975)

The death of disco (1980)

The death of New Coke (1985)

The death of Poochie (1997)

The death of Rudy Giuliani's comb over (2005)

The death of Saddam Hussein (2006)

Quick! Somebody check John Boehner’s birth certificate to make sure his name isn’t really Armin Tamzarian!

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And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids. And Carl.

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